The Will of Mythal
by durbinas
Summary: Solas finds Lavellan in the Fade, hoping to explain himself to her, but a terrible discovery alters his plans. One shot (Solas/ F! Lavellan)


Ellana slammed the door to her chamber behind her and flopped gracelessly onto the large bed; she was finally getting used to the plush, shem bedding, almost preferring it to sleeping under the stars. Rolling over, she pulled Leliana's report off of the small table by the bed. This would be at least her sixth time reading it, but she wanted to be sure they weren't missing anything. After almost two months of searching, her spies had finally found a trace of Solas—or at least, she hoped it was him, it could be something else. An elven apostate—apparently not Dalish—had been spotted in the Free Marches; admittedly not much to go on, but Ellana was determined to investigate. She—along with Varric, Dorian, and Cassandra—was setting out at first light to follow the trail.

As Inquisitor, she knew there were other duties she needed to attend to—places to heal in the aftermath of Corypheus' defeat. She was doing her best to rebuild Thedas, but she couldn't ignore this lead, not when it was the first hint they had received since Solas' disappearance. She tried to justify the excursion beyond her personal feelings; Solas might know why her link to Mythal had broken and then reformed. The change had happened in the middle of a fight, and it had distracted her enough to almost take a Darkspawn axe to the head. If such a thing happened again, she might not be so fortunate. The bond felt different than before—like it was the same link, but somehow with something different on the other end. If she was no longer bound to Flemeth, she needed to know why—and what now held her leash. Solas was an invaluable resource; that was why the Inquisition had to find him. This wasn't about her feelings for him, that he hadn't even said goodbye, that he… No. He was a source of information, nothing more.

Ellana sighed and returned the report to the ever-growing stack of papers next to her. She should get some sleep; riding sleep-deprived was never a good idea, even if her nuggalope didn't require much guidance from its rider. She blew the candle out and snuggled into the Orlesian sheets. Trying to force her eyes shut was not working, so she resigned herself to staring at the stone ceiling. Clearly, sleep would not come easily tonight. The thought of seeing Solas again was too anxiety inducing. Even though finding him was unlikely, Ellana kept playing different scenarios through her head of what their first meeting would be like. In one she was calmly indifferent to him, merely a leader seeking necessary knowledge. He attempted to kiss her, but she was all business. In another she raged at him, calling him an asshole, and watched as he begged for her forgiveness. Eventually, all of her fantasies headed towards the same end—Solas pulling her into his arms and kissing her with all his passionate regret at leaving until they ended up ripping each other's clothes off and…

Ellana's eyes snapped open. She had not fallen asleep, but deeply into the fantasy. And oh what a fantasy… Great, now she was incredibly aroused. That would really help her sleep. Groaning, she pushed off her covers and walked onto her balcony. The cold air was refreshing and helped to calm her—both her anxiety and her… not-anxiety. She looked back at the bed—it seemed stifling to her tonight—and then up at the sky. Most of the stars were obscured by clouds, but the moon shone brightly. It was not too cold out, no breeze through the mountains. Tonight was a night to sleep as the Dalish. She grabbed a pillow and a quilt and made a small pallet on the stone floor of the balcony. With the hard stone beneath her and infinite sky above, she slipped quickly into the Fade.

When Ellana woke—not woke, she could tell she was dreaming—she was in Haven. It was the Haven of her earliest days with the Inquisition, not the Haven that was destroyed. Why Haven, she thought. There was nothing here she cared to relive. Curious, Ellana strolled through the town, passing familiar landmarks—the chantry, the tavern, her small house. They were all perfect in their recreation, down to the last detail. Her memory was apparently better than she knew. Somehow she ended up at the place Solas always patiently waited, next to his small abode. Perhaps thinking of him, and of how to find him, she had returned to the early days of their friendship. It would be like her to search out clues of him, even in her dreams. Out of curiosity, she pushed open the door. She had never been inside, so it would be interesting to see what her imagination conjured. She was not prepared for her imagination to be quite so powerful.

"Inquisitor." Solas nodded in greeting as he turned from the fire. The only clue that none of it was real was the veilfire that burned in the hearth. "I wondered how long it would take you to find me." Ellana stared back without answering; all of her imagined scenarios suddenly seemed ridiculous, in none of them was she completely unable to speak. She searched her mind uselessly for some kind of clever or cutting reply, but nothing came. Instead, she simply continued to stare.

"I'm sure you have many questions."

"Are you real?"

"I beg your pardon, I…"

"Are you real? I've dreamt of you so often that I…" Ellana choked on her words, emotion clogging her throat. Solas face softened with concern as he stepped towards her.

"I assure you I am quite real, vhenan."

"Please don't call me that. You gave up that right." Ellana flinched backwards. She longed to fling herself into his arms and bury her face in his shoulder, but it was all… too much, too quickly. Solas schooled his features back into a mask of cool indifference and lowered the outstretched hand.

"You are correct. I am sorry."

"For calling me vhenan or for everything?" He had the sense to look away at that. Score one point for Ellana—or at least, it would have been a point had she not started to cry. Damn you tear ducts; did you not realize what a perfectly delivered line that was?

"For… many things. I am willing to explain some of them to you, if you would hear them. Sit down." Solas motioned and a chair appeared by the fire. Ellana opened her mouth to protest—she felt more in control of herself and the situation standing—when suddenly her legs moved forward and placed her in the chair without her consent, a soft blue light glowing around them. The strangeness of it stopped her crying instantly.

"What the… Solas, I want to speak to you, but I will not have you forcing me to sit with some kind of Fade magic!" Was this because they were in his dream? Insufferable show off.

"I did no such th… Oh. Oh no." A million emotions flit across his face in a single moment—confusion, followed by comprehension, then horror and disgust. Ellana had never seen him look quite like this; he looked like he would be sick. Solas turned away, a hand covering his face in distress. Ellana watched, confused, as he shook with what she could only assume were involuntary convulsions. This was not a Solas she knew how to read. Well, no Solas was , but usually it was because he gave nothing away. Gradually his body calmed and he seemed to gather himself, finally turning back to her after an extended silence. His eyes were full of sorrow as he knelt by her chair.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea it was so powerful. I would not have come back, I would not have forced this, me, on you if I had known."

"Force me? Solas, I don't understand." Ellana reached out and gently stroked his cheek; even now she could not bear to see him in such distress without making some attempt to comfort him. Solas smiled sadly and placed his larger hand over hers.

"You are Mythal's thrall and I now possess Mythal's power. You must obey everything I ask."

So that explains the change in the connection she felt to Mythal. Solas now held her strings. The realization didn't frighten her as much as Solas seemed to expect. His gaze was unwavering, focused on her reaction, like he was waiting for her to panic.

"Not that I'm thrilled, but isn't this a good thing?" Solas recoiled in horror so she continued. "What I mean is, I would rather you have this power. I know and trust you; I knew nothing of Flemeth and what she might ask of me." Solas averted his gaze, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Just because you trust me, does not mean you should, da'len. This power is new to me and it seems I cannot yet differentiate between commands and requests as Flemeth could."

"Oh… Well you shall have to learn then!" Ellana spoke optimistically, hoping to draw him out of his constant fatalism for even a moment.

"It is not that simple."

"Solas, I don't mind and I'm the one being potentially controlled." He did not look convinced. "Sometimes it could even be fun," she added suggestively. That was apparently the wrong thing to say. Solas eyes darkened. Ellana wished to delude herself that it was in lust, but she knew that was not the case. He slowly backed away away, looking at the hand that had been on hers as if it had been used to hit her.

"No Ellana, you must forget me. Forget and move on." Solas did not say it as a command, but it didn't matter. As soon as the words left his lips, Ellana could feel a strange swirl of energy in her mind. The blue glow clouded her vision. Slowly, she felt memories slipping from her grasp- Haven, the balcony, Crestwood, Corypheus' defeat. They all shifted, removing all evidence of Solas.

"No, Solas stop." she whispered through gritted teeth. She looked up at him, willing him to take back his words. He looked stunned for a moment, before realizing what was happening. Instead of stopping it, his expression hardened. He was not going to take it back, Ellana realized in horror. She tried to fight the compulsion, hanging on to her precious memories, but they pulled away from her. For a brief moment, she considered how much happier she would be if she stopped fighting, if she did forget. Cole had actually offered more than once. For just a second, she gave in, her mind emptying of shared glances and stolen kisses, and then memories of loss, of nights spent crying in an empty rotunda. The pain rose up fresh in her heart, but with it came a new determination. However painful those memories, they were a part of her and she would not forget them, not even if Solas himself wanted her to. He could not command her, not in this. She fought back, fought to keep herself intact. The force of the struggle, her will versus the power of Mythal, forced her to her knees. Her hands balled into fists, her fingernails causing her palms to bleed. Tears sprang to her eyes as she looked up at Solas.

"Solas, if you command this, I will have no memory of you. I will lose a part of myself forever. You have no right." Talking made it harder to fight. She would undoubtedly lose soon. "Don't do this to me, please! It would not be real. You of all people…" Her head felt like it was crumbling from the inside, her words choked by the power of the command. Another minute and her memories would be gone. Ellana raised her head once more and looked into Solas' startling blue eyes, pleading with her tears.

His cold, demanding gaze shattered and suddenly he was pulling her into his arms. Her head cleared, all memories still in place.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Solas was crying now as well. Ellana could feel his body shaking as her shoulder grew damp with his tears. She had never seen him cry before, not even when the spirit of wisdom was murdered. She pulled her arms out of his grasp and placed them around him, holding him to her with one hand while the other cradled his head. They stayed like that for a few quiet minutes. Once his sobs finally subsided, he pulled away to look her at her.

"It was wrong of me to command that of you. It was what I hate most about those with power, and to force on that I love… I should never have…" Solas looked away on shame, but Ellana grabbed his chin and forced his eyes back to hers.

"You stopped yourself. Nothing has been forced on me." Ellana laid a light kiss onto his lips to show that she had already forgiven him. As she stared at him, a lingering fear crept back into her mind.

"If I had let Morrigan drink from the Well, if I were not Mythal's creature, would you have stayed? And now…?"

"No, vhenan. Do not torture yourself in this way. I said before the fault was mine. I came back to explain because I promised I would."

"You could stay."

"Ma vhenan… Ellana, I am a danger to you. I can force you to do anything, apparently even without meaning to. Do you not see how that would affect us, both of us?" The sadness Ellana had grown used to seeing in Solas' eyes returned. His shame dissipated, replaced with sorrowful resignation.

"Solas, you are not a danger to me, nor will you ever be." A moment passed before he answered.

"You are right, vhenan." Solas grabbed her, kissing her fiercely as his hands gripped her arms almost to the point of bruising. Once he had thoroughly deprived Ellana of air, he rose suddenly and backed away. "I cannot force you to forget me, but I would suggest it." He spoke as she did when she delivered justice from Skyhold's throne, his voice full of unchallenged authority. "I also cannot have the Inquisition chasing me forever. It hinders both of us from what must be done. This is the only way."

"Solas, what…?"

"Inquisitor Lavellan, I command you to stop your hunt for me, you and all of your Inner Circle. You must never find me." The weight of his command hit her so suddenly; she had no chance to fight it. In one second, it was over. She could never look for him, never find him, because he demanded it. Heartbreak and rage welled up in equal measure, forcing its way out of her throat in a scream.

"How does this not betray everything you believe? What happened to not forcing your will upon me? You would take my choice away to protect yourself."

"No, to protect you."

"What? So I can be free? You deny me a choice to give me freedom? How is that…" He stopped her fury with a kiss, this one gentler than the last, his warm lips caressing instead of claiming. It was both an apology and a goodbye; Ellana could feel it. She grabbed his tunic and balled the cloth in her fists, hoping to tether herself to him, to make it harder for him to pull away.

"Solas, please…" He gently plucked her hands from his clothes and kissed her palm.

"Know that I loved you, vhenan. Now… wake up."

Ellana woke on the balcony of Skyhold, alone.


End file.
